seventy-three : actually

if you do find this
because i know some people have
don't spread it around like everyone did last time
thank you.

seventy-two: lolololol

omg.
old blog has been rediscovered.
xD
i was such a twat oh my :')
i only really came back to rant.
so i'll rant 'cause i know no one will read this.

so, imagine this...
you're in year 10, and you've been friends with these people, 7 people, since year 7.
in year 7, you were the only person from your primary school to go to this new school.
you didn't know anyone except your older brother, and he really didn't want to be associated with you.
but then you met these 7 people,
and you make friends.
they say you're their best friend.
you like that.
but then... things start happening.
they go out on half days, weekends, all together, like best friends.
but they don't invite you.
they have parties.
they don't invite you.
they tell secrets to each other...
and not to you.
you feel unloved.
like no one wants to talk to you.
no one cares.
but they're your friends.
you can't leave them.
this goes on for a year and a bit.
it becomes normal.
you just... get used to it.
but then, a new girl comes.
her eyes are very, very blue.
you two hit it off right away.
and she says you two are best friends.
and for once, it feels like it.
you have fun together.
you go places.
you text all the time.
you save seats for her on the bus,
the two of you are inseparable, joined at the hip almost.
but, like in any relationship, on the 25th of March, the cracks started to show.
boy shaped cracks.
cracks in the shape of a couple of heated arguments.
and those cracks never healed.
you'd have liked them too, after all she was your best best best friend.
but people change, times change, she moved on and so did you.
so, after this girl, you end up going back to the original group of 7.
well... you never really left, there was just someone else.
someone else that's gone by this point.
this is about... year 9, by the way.
and things go pretty much back to normal.
they do their own thing, you tag along.
but then you meet this other girl.
she's popular, she's stunningly pretty, and she is one of the nicest people you have ever talked to in your LIFE.
she's a great listener, and she understands.
it's not long before the two of you talk non-stop.
and she says "best friends for ever."
you don't even know what to say.
you agree, a smile on your face, and you remain best friends.
which is quite a new feeling, tbh.
someone that's always there.
it's nice.
you like it.
but once, you got sick of being left out.
you confronted them.
and they inboxed you back,
from their phones, because they weren't home.
they inboxed you back from a party that you weren't invited too.
you feel... insulted.
but then, you realise that nothing is ever going to change.
they've picked their group and you are not part of it.
you're not cool with it, to be frank, but what else can you do?
everything is normal again, until about the end of year 9, or about there.
the original 7 found another 4.
they're nice people.
they're very VERY nice people.
there's no doubt about that.
but as they get welcomed further in,
you get pushed further out.
those outings?
they're going, you're not.
those parites where they said they were only allowed a certain number, and they said that's why they couldn't invite you, but they would if they could?
they're going, along with the original 7, not you.
those inboxes, the ones full of the secrets that only best friends would know?
they're in them, not you.
the private jokes that you weren't there to understand??
they're making new ones, without you.
you'll be sat that little bit too far out of the circle,
looking and feeling like an outsider.
they'll be talking about their plans,
their parties, their weekends, their holidays,
right in front of you, but are you going?
nope.
you should be used to this, but for some reason, right in the back of your mind, you're not.
you can't figure out why, and then you realise.
the tables have been turned.
it's like your the one that's just joined this group, the foreigner.
it's like they've been there for 3 and a bit years, not you.
them.
but you don't feel malice towards them, oh no.
you feel sadness.
that's the only emotion, really.
sadness.
you're the "silent member".
they said it themselves.
silent member.
you can't put how that feels into words.
that feeling of not being wanted.
but you cope.
you're a fucking fighter, you can cope!
you can cope...


if anyone finds this, i will be in so much shit.

seventy-one: ...

ohai tears,
where did you come from?

seventy: merrr.

oh, people are back on blogger.
now, i leave.

sixty-nine: fuck this.

i'm sick of my parents being divorced.
it's never really got to me before.
and now it has.
fbdnkaml~lxsaxlpws.

i'm sick of being so lonely.
everyone is in a couple now,
always being the 3rd/5th/7th wheel is getting tiring.

this is shit.
just you talking to her makes me want to cry.
facebook wall posts, and now i know you're texting her.
i'm invisible.
i honestly think i'm invisible.

no one invites me anywhere.
ever.
i haven't been out anywhere without family in so long.
makes me think i'm not even fucking wanted, tbh.
daddy, i know you won't take the job in san francisco,
but if you do, i'm coming with you.
no one would miss me if i left.
i know it.
i'm always on my own, no one includes me,
people barely talk to me.
my guild play group only wanted me because i like poetry.
i can't even blag a couple of days off school because this week is too important.
i'm trying.
i really am.
nobody else is.

i'm so, so glad no one reads these...

sixty-eight.

you don't care.
you'll never care.

sixty-seven: long time no speak, blogger.

in one sense, i'm so happy no one comes on here anymore.
blogger is back the way i like it,
unpopular and deserted.
so i can rant.
rant rant rant rant rant :D
so, yeah...

there's something i think i need to announce to... someone/something/anything.
i discovered it recently.
and i don't like it much,
and you haven't realised, i don't think.
but it's one of those things that eats you up inside.
pretty blatantly, it's about you.
you're stupid, you're annoying,
you continue to hurt me, physically and mentally,
and you have no idea.
but i think the thing that pisses me off the most would be the way you can make me smile without even trying,
the way you start every conversation with "hello wanker!"
the way i can be my complete and total self around you,
the way you make me open up to you,
the way you pull out all the stops to make me feel better,
the way you say things that make me feel like the only person in the world that matters,
the way you don't try to be anything you're not.

you make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me happy.
and...
i love you.
there.
i said it.
merrrrrrrrrrrrr.
fml.

thank you, and goodnight, motherfxckersss. ♥